Meditation, play by play fail


So I was told meditation is amazing to slow your mind, ease your worries, and soothe your soul. So hello google and youtube, I’m now a subject matter expert. Kids are in school and I need to learn to self soothe. Let’s do this!

Step 1: Sit or lie comfortably

I sit my pretty little butt down trying to not think. Then I start thinking, “did it say how I should sit or lie?”, “Is the door locked”, “I really need to be doing laundry” “I guess I could just masturbate”

Step 2: Close your eyes

Eye are closed, success! Eyes are closed! “Why is it so hard to keep my eyeballs from straining?” Suddenly dog jumps on me, “Stupid dog, go away I am f*cking meditating”

Step 3: Make no effort to control breath; simply breathe naturally.

I’m now laying, not sitting anymore eyes closed and thinking “Is this natural breathing?” “Why am I over thinking breathing?” “Keep your eyes closed and stop thinking….why the hell is the cat now rubbing and purring on me, ugh. Did you forget you hate me cat!?!?”  “Stop thinking about sex” “Focus!”

Step 4: Focus your attention, blah blah blah. Breathing more blah blah blah. Body movement and more breathing ramblings. This is basically the meditate step.

Cats gone, dog is in the floor. All is peaceful, I just might do this meditate thing. Eyes closed, I hear the sounds of regurgitation from the dog. I think, “meditate, ignore dog. Breathe naturally”. As I hear the dog move around room, obviously puking, the doorbell rings. At that moment, dog forgets about puking to run barking like a rabid dog to kill the door.

I open my eyes to see that the dog decided to walk around to puke, disgusting. Checked outside, no one is there. I clean up after the dog. Cat runs a sniper attack on my head as I clean and the phone is ringing. Yay, it’s the school nurse, I have a sick kid. I laughed as she talked and just told her I’d be there to pick him up soon.

My conclusion, meditation and the bipolar mind is nearly impossible. But you know what is soothing, involves bed, and eyes rolling back in your head. Yep, sex!

36 thoughts on “Meditation, play by play fail

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  1. Sounds like my earlier experiences with meditation. I’ll reiterate what another responder said, as it helped me too. If you genuinely want to learn meditation, consider cannabis. Cannabis helps produce the proper mental state as well as helps you focus on the physical sensations, as physical sensations are enhanced when you’re using it. Using cannabis a few times and concentrating on meditation enabled me to pick out which breathing pattern worked best for me as well as helped me find the right mindset so I’d know when I was doing it right while sober. I’d say it’s advanced my meditation progress by a couple of months at least. I still need to work at it and get better at it, but I’m in a lot better place to do so.

    I hope this is of use to you.


  2. LOL! I’m new to your blog and I’m enjoying your posts very much. This one had me laughing pretty hard! I’ve been “seriously” meditating for about 6 months. Got the cushion and everything! This is a very close description of my trying to meditate in the evenings at home. Cat, kids, wife, etc. I find that meditating with others in a controlled environment (I go to a yogo studio on Sunday mornings with a small group) is the best way to do it. If you have a spouse or animals or children, it can be a challenge.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You may be right. Meditation and Bi-Polar or any active mental disorder may make it impossible to meditate, that is if we think of meditation as emptying the mind. But mediation is not just emptying the mind of thought, but filling it with sweet sensations, and then seeing our self as being in the center of those sweet feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My opinion is that if we blindly believe in psychiatric labels we might be limiting ourselves. Psychiatry is an evolving science, and quite possibly it might come to view certain “disorders” in a new light—down the road, that is.

    This actually happened with homosexuality. One year homosexuality is diagnosed as a disorder. Then next, apparently in part due to political pressure, homosexuality is no longer a disorder. Hmm… very interesting “science” (he says with irony).

    Not sure if you are up on these ideas but I suggest checking them out:

    Human beings are more than a label, in my opinion. But uncritically accepting the label might prevent some from achieving one’s full potential.

    Just my view, I sincerely hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for this. I had to explain to people that meditation simply doesn’t work for us bipolars. I really like the way you ended it as I am hypersexual and I guess sex really is as close as I get to zen. It evens me out which is why I seek it. I really identified with this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I came across your blog after a notification that you liked a post on my blog. Thanks, internets! No, really. I am bipolar as well, and it’s…well…it’s a ride. And this post in particular is kinda my life (at least in regards to meditation) right now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for checking out my blog. It is funny how random the Internet can be but the yoga pose caught my eye. I try to spend time reading blogs instead of books with my coffee. It’s better than meditating and I get a look inside others heads for a bit. Hope you enjoy my blog 🙂


  7. Actually meditation can be really useful particularly for people who are bipolar.
    I’ll put it this way. you wouldn’t pick up cricket bat, mess around with for a day or so, then expect to be on a national team later that week representing your country,
    Meditation is a skill. I’d try is consistently, like every day (or at least 5 out of 7) for a month before calling it quits.
    It’s skill like playing tennis, reading and writing, fucking or whatever. It takes time and consistence practice.
    I have my ups and downs, and times were I’m quite manic, but I’ve been meditating for over a decade at this points, and it’s the No.1 that helped me get through a period of depression and suicidal rumination.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You nailed it! 😀 This is exactly what happens in meditation. Even people who’ve been meditating every day for decades still get this at least sometimes. You give yourself the opportunity to experience it, and the mind attacks with a million things, and the world will offer every possible excuse to turn away from the inner and back towards the outer. 🙂
    The amazing about meditation is when you persevere and get past it all. When you drop the story, and stop identifying with all the noise. Not the easiest thing at all, until it suddenly is. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks for liking my post about my paranoia (or is it?). I had to check out your ramblings as well, and I am impressed. Keep writing, it feels so good to let it out. I have to repost this, meditation is so hard, sometimes it is ridiculous. But I keep trying. So nice to have another Kentucky Bipolar to peek in on on occasion. Following you now! Paranoid yet? (Long distance hugs.)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Anxiety and meditation certainly don’t go hand in hand. I’m far too anxious just to sit still. I have to be productive somehow, I must contribute to society damn it! But then I just put it off till later, besides, my cats can go 5 minutes without food right? So can those starving children in Africa. It’s not my responsibility to fix the entire worlds problems! 0_0

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Meditation is indeed infinitely easier when you find yourself on a mountain top accompanied by the soothing presence of a goat that chews grass to the beat of your breathing. Smoking grass helps, though, should you find yourself unable to climb a mountain for your meditation sessions.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I went with my sister a few years ago to a “Spa Hotel”. The entire time I was getting my massage I was clenching my teeth and tensing everything up. Finally the masseuse says “You know this is a massage and it’s suppose to be RELAXING!”. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking about if I shaved my legs or what she was thinking about me during the massage. My sister laughed at me and said they see so many things that she probably wasn’t even thinking about me and her masseuse had her tuna sandwich from lunch in the room. I felt a little better after that. I now do “Adult Coloring”. I made it sound R-rated somehow. lol It definitely works for me though. Thank you for making me laugh. My 6 month old pup was puking the other night and eating it before I could get to him. Pretty gross. There’s nothing worse than stepping in puke with bare feet.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. This is perhaps the funniest and most spot on thing I’ve read in a long time! Yes, meditation is terribly difficult, lol. Concentrating on my breathing gives me anxiety. Totally get it!

    Liked by 1 person

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